I’m sleepless in san luis. My heart and head seem to say: God’s grace is not enough, you must do more to earn this gift. Prove that you deserve it. That you appreciate it. The truth is that I want to be appreciated. I feel so forlorn. To pull myself outside of circumstance and see the truth of His love for me is too difficult. It is too painful. I am completely afraid of being injured again. Of giving God my heart and finding that He doesn’t want it. Jesus, why is this true? Why do I doubt you to the point of doubting each and every aspect of this life? Why is my pursuit of the truth so relentless? When will I be able to let go of the little things and be loved>:?
I want this so much. Not merely for myself, but for each and every person in this life, this world. The fear of the unknown immobilizes me. It seems that satan has convinced me that people can someone solve the problems of this world. Yet this is entirely untrue.
Only God can meet the needs of such a broken people, thirsty for the water they won’t drink. He asks us to pray for faithfulness and not success. Oh Lord, forgive my so easily wayward heart.
It has long been in search of it’s own glory and way and has not sought to be pursued but to pursue. Peace comes in knowing that nothing I ever do will make me deserving of the intensity of your love. It is a gift.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
befriending oneself
I've come up with a new saying which may as well be an old one:
To find a friend, one must first befriend oneself.
It's something like that verse in the Bible,
"love thy neighbor as thyself"
Yet where does loving yourself get lost in the scheme of things? In serving and "loving" the people around us, we so often forget to look after our own needs to the point of exhaustion.
By trusting God with the lives of those we love and having faith that he will care for them in ways we are incapable of, we learn to love ourselves more and let go of what is so difficult to- our control, our ability, and our desire to prove our worth.
I wish sometimes that God would speak more clearly to me about His love, but it seems to often come when least expected, like a flash of lighting or gentle breeze. This weekend I drove up San Luis Mountain through Perfumo Canyon and took my lunch on the side of the road. Earlier that day, I had asked God to prove to me that he was capable of miracles and all I had to do was look before my eyes and see the formation of the mountains and valley below and I knew it.
He is capable of more than miracles.
Falling back into His arms I heard Him say "Why do you always question my love?". And I pondered His words will all of my heart.
To find a friend, one must first befriend oneself.
It's something like that verse in the Bible,
"love thy neighbor as thyself"
Yet where does loving yourself get lost in the scheme of things? In serving and "loving" the people around us, we so often forget to look after our own needs to the point of exhaustion.
By trusting God with the lives of those we love and having faith that he will care for them in ways we are incapable of, we learn to love ourselves more and let go of what is so difficult to- our control, our ability, and our desire to prove our worth.
I wish sometimes that God would speak more clearly to me about His love, but it seems to often come when least expected, like a flash of lighting or gentle breeze. This weekend I drove up San Luis Mountain through Perfumo Canyon and took my lunch on the side of the road. Earlier that day, I had asked God to prove to me that he was capable of miracles and all I had to do was look before my eyes and see the formation of the mountains and valley below and I knew it.
He is capable of more than miracles.
Falling back into His arms I heard Him say "Why do you always question my love?". And I pondered His words will all of my heart.
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