The Breather (by Billy Collins)

Just as in the horror movies
when someone discovers tht the phone calls
are coming from inside the house

so too, I realized
that our tender overlapping
has been taking place only inside me.

All that sweetness, the love and desire-
it's just been me dialing myself
then following the ringer to another room

to find no one on the line
well, sometimes a little breathing
but more often than not, nothing.

To think that ll this time_
which would include the boat rides,
the airport embraces, and all the drinks-

it's been only me and the two telephones,
the one on the wall in the kitchen
and the extension in the darkened guest room upstairs.

on being pursued

Pursuit. How can one word mean so much? We look around us in search of a pursuer and somehow become the pursued.

Now, what does it mean to be pursued? It means to wait. To find a patience of spirit and heart that can be at peace. We want to grasp after things, after people, and the result is that what we are holding so tightly begins to slip through our fingers. I want so badly to able to let go. Of this relationship. Of that conversation. Of present circumstance.

To get outside of our daily lives and into the truth of God's love for us we have to leave the room for Him to pursue us.

I was staring up at a sycamore tree this morning and heard Him say to my response, "What should I do?"

"Let yourself be pursued by me."

Our Lord is the one romancer in this life whose love will never change or fade. It is a rock on which we can store our trust, our dreams, and our fears. Imagine having a conversation with God just like you're conversing with a loved one. Do they enjoy your humor, listen to your heartache, and laugh in your joy? Is there hope found in the fact that another can relate to and appreciate you?

The same is true with a God who never forgets, who loves us despite our sin and in sight of our weakness. He will be faithful to laugh, cry, and rejoice with us. Do you ever feel like a song is filling you up, brimming over and spilling out from a place you do not know? Do you see circumstances collide and twist to become a tapestry of His love?

Jesus didn't come in to this world to leave us bound to sin and death. He came to set us free from our fears, to release the hold this world has on us. In the process of letting go of what we cling to, God begins his pursuit of our hearts.

It is a dance. A twirling, glorious journey in His arms. We step together through danger and fear, through darkness and pain, through deep waters and shallow tides, through forrest and ocean, through dessert and mountainside. The journey is one which has no clear beginning or end but weaves through circumstance bring a steadfast peace and joy in the knowledge that we are His.

Oh, to only have a heart fully ready to be pursued by our God!

the gift we have such difficulty receiving

I’m sleepless in san luis. My heart and head seem to say: God’s grace is not enough, you must do more to earn this gift. Prove that you deserve it. That you appreciate it. The truth is that I want to be appreciated. I feel so forlorn. To pull myself outside of circumstance and see the truth of His love for me is too difficult. It is too painful. I am completely afraid of being injured again. Of giving God my heart and finding that He doesn’t want it. Jesus, why is this true? Why do I doubt you to the point of doubting each and every aspect of this life? Why is my pursuit of the truth so relentless? When will I be able to let go of the little things and be loved>:?

I want this so much. Not merely for myself, but for each and every person in this life, this world. The fear of the unknown immobilizes me. It seems that satan has convinced me that people can someone solve the problems of this world. Yet this is entirely untrue.

Only God can meet the needs of such a broken people, thirsty for the water they won’t drink. He asks us to pray for faithfulness and not success. Oh Lord, forgive my so easily wayward heart.

It has long been in search of it’s own glory and way and has not sought to be pursued but to pursue. Peace comes in knowing that nothing I ever do will make me deserving of the intensity of your love. It is a gift.

befriending oneself

I've come up with a new saying which may as well be an old one:

To find a friend, one must first befriend oneself.

It's something like that verse in the Bible,

"love thy neighbor as thyself"

Yet where does loving yourself get lost in the scheme of things? In serving and "loving" the people around us, we so often forget to look after our own needs to the point of exhaustion.

By trusting God with the lives of those we love and having faith that he will care for them in ways we are incapable of, we learn to love ourselves more and let go of what is so difficult to- our control, our ability, and our desire to prove our worth.

I wish sometimes that God would speak more clearly to me about His love, but it seems to often come when least expected, like a flash of lighting or gentle breeze. This weekend I drove up San Luis Mountain through Perfumo Canyon and took my lunch on the side of the road. Earlier that day, I had asked God to prove to me that he was capable of miracles and all I had to do was look before my eyes and see the formation of the mountains and valley below and I knew it.

He is capable of more than miracles.

Falling back into His arms I heard Him say "Why do you always question my love?". And I pondered His words will all of my heart.

songs

I woke up this morning
to find that a bird
had perched
out front of
our door

I opened the shutters
and peeked out my head
in search
of something
more

Mountains rise above the sea
Your love envelops me
trees reach for the sky
what have i to give but my life
i fall into your arms
into your grace

___________________________________



Wind beneath my wings
arrow through my heart
sigh upon my chest
I can't put to rest

that as these fears are rising
and my heart unwinding
while forms rearranging
as these plans are changing
I am yours
I am yours

And into your arms
I come running
with all of my sorrow
and joy (x2)

Chorus again

Wrote these two songs in the last month while whiling my time away. I feel like poetry and song come easier as the years go by. It's like the connection between my heart and head happens more easily once exercised and out comes something I didn't know God put within me. Hope to be able to record a few of these for those of you who are interested ;) But for now, happy fall days!

promise

My first Sunday back in San Luis and I'm welcomed by a lovely service at Trinity Presbyterian on Osos Ave. Brian Kay spoke about 2 Peter 1:4-9 in which we are admonished to step outside of our apathy. I've been feeling apathetic lately and confused about my faith. The Bible is split into two halves. One is of law and one is of promises.

Christ fulfills the promises expressed in the gospel. When we search the scriptures for the promises of God, we begin to understand his character and draw closer to him. Imagine a life lived with hope in the promises of God! When we rely on who God says he is then we begin to be transformed into his image and discover how his truth can transform us. I love this. I love the fact that God is who he says he is and does what he says he will do. I love how our faith can depend on the character of God and not upon our faithfulness. It's so easy to look to the law as a guide so spiritual life, but in it's pursuit we will always fall short. Again and again. We must trust in His promise of salvation.

If I were

I've rediscovered a number of old poems and decided they need publishing...so here it goes, one per day. :) This one is on the cheery side of things!



If I were a flower
I'd welcome the day
with unfurling petals
and leaves on their way

If I were a city
I'd welcome the day
with sirens and street lights
and what a pedestrian might say

If I were myself
I'd welcome the day
with singing and dancing
and laugher far away

Welcome Day!

so that it may bear fruit

The words will not come
the well has run dry
the heart has turned to stone

no more days in prayer or
penitence
no more tears of joy

my life is a wasteland
a home without love
a love without home

a quiet burning desire unquenched
a fierce frustration eating
one from the inside out

tears away the golden days
until they are gone
and all that is left

is an ebbing hunger
a settling resentment
and a person who has turned
against everything

abandoned hope, peace, trust
patience, endurance, and prudence
for her own way

this way is easy,
yet her burdens are heavy
the bags are stuffed with
anger, fear, loss, pain and pride

The weight slows her steps until
it is clear that she isn't walking
forward
but being pulled back
by the weight of her load

She is found stranded in the desert place
lost, bewildered and confused
by a love that understands
and yet chooses to forgive

Her walk is no longer easy
yet she trusts the one who has
offered to carry her burdens
and Christ steadily softens her embittered heart
so that it may bear fruit

spinning around

this world is spinning around
in a swimming pool of lies
it says sex satisfies and do one dies
and love is easy to find

this world is spinning around
have you seen your father's eyes?
he says who is this girl I once held in my arms
why is this world spinning around?

It says go there and buy that
taste this and touch that
drink this and drive there

what have you to loose
but what have we to choose
with shopping malls and computer stalls
why is this world spinning around
with low budjet cars and tv stars
why is this world spinnning around


this world is spinning around
but once was lost can be found
he says I am the way and the truth and the life
you can't live apart from me
I am the vine, you are the branches
you won't bear fruit apart from me

stand up and open your eyes
then the lame and the blind will see

I love you as the father(x3)
loves me


If you stopped oh would you see
this peace inside of me
as this world is spinning around


Wrote this song last fall when I felt in the midst of the world and confused by how disillusioned we have become. I've realized that songs are basically poems put to music. Don't know why the thought never crossed my mind before. I guess all songs are a form of poetry.

remind me again

I've learned that life is much more complicated than we make it out to be. Love hurts. Hearts do not always heal. There are even meta-messages behind what we say so that one person can completely misunderstand what you are attempting to express. And as a wise man once said "like the stones that role tightly(?) taunt you can't always get what you want". I'm going to ask a question that I think is worth thinking about.

How much of our time do we spend longing for something we desire that we miss the blessings of the present? What have I taken for granted today?

The answer may begin with the simple things....food, a roof over my head, the freedom to do and say what I am compelled to. And then we may get to the heart of it. Friends Family Fellowship the afternoon breeze and intense comfort I feel when looking at the stars or laying beneath a tree.

It is often the simple things that take my breath away, and remind me again to give thanks.

a red-winged blackbird

a red-winged blackbird
among friends
scrounging through the remnants
of our humanity

a red-winged blackbird
among piles
instead of trees
looking for something to eat
within
the plastic, metal, wood and earth

a red-winged blackbird
home at the dump
looks my way as if
to ask a question
and I do not know what to say

from right to left

It's been over a month that I've been home
and now I'm feeling I'd like to roam
from left to right
from right to left
inbetween
upsidedown
and in the cleft
between today and tommorow
To ease the sorrow
of this worn and hardened heart
Where and when can I start
to let go
of what is so tightly held
and realize the freedom
in surrender

The Lord as our delight: Isaiah 58: 5-12

You humble yourselves by going through the motions of penance,
bowing your heads like reeds bending inthe wind.
You dress in burlap and cover yourselves with ashes.
Is this what you call fasting?
Do you really think this will please the Lord?

No, this is the kind of fasting I want:
Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;
lighten the burdens of those who work for you.
Let the oppressed go free, and remove the chains that bind people.
Share your food with the hungry,
and give shelter to the homeless.
Give clothes to those who need them,
and do not hide from relatves who need your help.

Then your salvation will come like the dawn,
and your wounds will quickly heal.
Your godliness will lead you forward,
ad the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.
Then when you call, the Lord will answer.
'Yes, I am here,' he will quickly reply.

Remove the heavy yoke of opression.
Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumers!
Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble.
Then our light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like an ever-flowing spring.
Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
and a restorer of homes....

Then the Lord will be your delight.

homecoming or coming home

Mom and Mimi are almost here
will their arrival bring tears or laughter?
Oh how I long to be home
to touch the faded keys of our paino
to turn the garden soil
to chase humingbirds and cocker spaniels
to smell something baking in the oven
and rediscover old photographs

why are goodbyes so bitersweet?
why have I felt so lost in these emotions
about leaving
if I stay will Norway become home?
or will California always be home, irregardless of where a live

home is where the heart is
a proverb too true
now all I have to do
is find my heart

the easiest thing

Why are the easiest things what makes life so difficult? I've been realizing lately that I have alot of growing up to do. I avoid responsibility at the cost of my own sanity. Yet, the result is that I beat myself up for not attempting anything at all. It's a self depricating cycle.

I've also heard that the way we view ourselves changes how we see the world around us. This is only too true. Are we looking at life through rose colored glasses or a deep fog? Are we wading through the doubts we hold about ourselves or walking on water? It is too easy to listen to satan's deception and loose sight of our value. Much to easy. Those lies that seem to continue to repeat in our heads begin to seep into our hearts and build walls and chasms insurmountable. It takes trusting in Christ to begin to surrender our hearts to him....to be bound up in His love. Only in this love that has no fear do we find the grace that brings peace and casts out all lies.

You are invaluable. beautiful. You are the desire of God's heart. His beloved. Period. Nothing this world may say can change this truth. No one can ever seperate you from this love. Yet, learning to recieve this gift may be both the hardest and easiest thing you ever have to do.

the dividing line

I realize I haven't written on my blog for quite a while. I'd like to blame it on the lack of internet connection at my house or the raining weather, but I don't know if that would be entirely true. You see, it isn't easy bearing your soul to the world wide web. It isn't easy writing these words when you have no idea who may read them or what the response may be. But still they come. These words break the silence and cross millions of miles to reach you.

I've realized this year how small the world really is. It's the click of a button or the distance of a day on an airplane. And people, everywhere, have so much in common. They have the same basic needs and fears. Their daily routine may differ or the size of their pocket book. They may prioritize some things above others...but when it comes down to it....we have brothers and sisters the world over.

I wonder what would happen if each person realized this. If in both their head and heart they knew the kinship they possessed with those from each and every continent. What is it that divides us? Differences in culture? language? way of life? Yet aren't these divisions what make each person and place uniquely beautiful?

When is it necessary to compromise? To challenge the values of one culture in sight of the effects it has upon others? Are we looking for the benefit of ourselves or our country at the cost of others? What is most important?

We must recognize what divides us and fight it. Fight ignorance and fear, guilt, pride and selfishness, complacency and resentment. Once these things fall away, perhaps we will be able to see the truth.

within

Caterpillars
Inching along leaves
Frogs
Hopping through the grass
Birds
Landing on branches
Cats
Climbing trees

The birds and the bees
If I sneeze
Will you say
“God bless you!”
or simply
keep
inching along?

A know a song
That isn’t very long
But requires much
Concentration
It’s the notes that are hardest
to hear

Yet
Once
They resonate
Within
We find them

when you smile

Your smile
Stretches to the horizon
And captures my heart
It is without question
Without hesitation
Or fear

As the corners of those lips curl
I find that mine are too
We smile
In agreement

Because if you cannot learn
To laugh at the world
Around you
There
Is little hope
For what the future will bring

hmmmmm

What I dislike:

the feeling of business
walking through parked cars
frozen fingers
unclipped toenails
and words unsaid
broken glasses
cold goodbyes
unkempt yards
and a world who wants more
but gives less
lights in my face
the expectations of others
eyes that follow the face
but wont look within
disagreement
not knowing what to say
and dwelling on the past
when this day
is waiting to begin

what I like:

Something in the oven
fruit on a tree
opening the front door
falling leaves
toes beside the fireplace
wrapping presents
writing a note
life without a mirror
stones in cold water
the sound of the wind outside
holding a child's hand
tracing the stars with my fingers
hot tea before bed
forgetting everything in a book
the feeling of petals on skin
raindrops on my face
sitting with a loved one in silence
and sporadic hugs

starlight

if i walk with you
in the starlight
will you
hold my hand

if i walk with you
in the moonlight
will you
look into my eyes

if i walk with you
in the darkness
will you
light the way

if i walk with you
in the cold
will you
be my warmth

how i long for the starlight
the moonlight the darkness and the cold
how i long for the bleakness of tommorow
that you might make it bright

another year older

it doesn't quite feel like I'm a year older

twenty two

it sounds so grown up
and i still feel like the little girl
who ran after boys on the playground
dug in the dirt
and emptied detergent into her mother's high heeled shoes

well, acording to the calender, I'm another year older
i think i've decided this year that its best
to just stop counting

nothing less

Once in a while

the world stops
the wind stops
the trees stop
swaying
the people stop
saying
and time stands still

if only for a moment
life is put on hold

Once in a while
you recognize the day you are in
and grasp it
for what it is

nothing more
nothing less