the gift we have such difficulty receiving

I’m sleepless in san luis. My heart and head seem to say: God’s grace is not enough, you must do more to earn this gift. Prove that you deserve it. That you appreciate it. The truth is that I want to be appreciated. I feel so forlorn. To pull myself outside of circumstance and see the truth of His love for me is too difficult. It is too painful. I am completely afraid of being injured again. Of giving God my heart and finding that He doesn’t want it. Jesus, why is this true? Why do I doubt you to the point of doubting each and every aspect of this life? Why is my pursuit of the truth so relentless? When will I be able to let go of the little things and be loved>:?

I want this so much. Not merely for myself, but for each and every person in this life, this world. The fear of the unknown immobilizes me. It seems that satan has convinced me that people can someone solve the problems of this world. Yet this is entirely untrue.

Only God can meet the needs of such a broken people, thirsty for the water they won’t drink. He asks us to pray for faithfulness and not success. Oh Lord, forgive my so easily wayward heart.

It has long been in search of it’s own glory and way and has not sought to be pursued but to pursue. Peace comes in knowing that nothing I ever do will make me deserving of the intensity of your love. It is a gift.

befriending oneself

I've come up with a new saying which may as well be an old one:

To find a friend, one must first befriend oneself.

It's something like that verse in the Bible,

"love thy neighbor as thyself"

Yet where does loving yourself get lost in the scheme of things? In serving and "loving" the people around us, we so often forget to look after our own needs to the point of exhaustion.

By trusting God with the lives of those we love and having faith that he will care for them in ways we are incapable of, we learn to love ourselves more and let go of what is so difficult to- our control, our ability, and our desire to prove our worth.

I wish sometimes that God would speak more clearly to me about His love, but it seems to often come when least expected, like a flash of lighting or gentle breeze. This weekend I drove up San Luis Mountain through Perfumo Canyon and took my lunch on the side of the road. Earlier that day, I had asked God to prove to me that he was capable of miracles and all I had to do was look before my eyes and see the formation of the mountains and valley below and I knew it.

He is capable of more than miracles.

Falling back into His arms I heard Him say "Why do you always question my love?". And I pondered His words will all of my heart.

songs

I woke up this morning
to find that a bird
had perched
out front of
our door

I opened the shutters
and peeked out my head
in search
of something
more

Mountains rise above the sea
Your love envelops me
trees reach for the sky
what have i to give but my life
i fall into your arms
into your grace

___________________________________



Wind beneath my wings
arrow through my heart
sigh upon my chest
I can't put to rest

that as these fears are rising
and my heart unwinding
while forms rearranging
as these plans are changing
I am yours
I am yours

And into your arms
I come running
with all of my sorrow
and joy (x2)

Chorus again

Wrote these two songs in the last month while whiling my time away. I feel like poetry and song come easier as the years go by. It's like the connection between my heart and head happens more easily once exercised and out comes something I didn't know God put within me. Hope to be able to record a few of these for those of you who are interested ;) But for now, happy fall days!

promise

My first Sunday back in San Luis and I'm welcomed by a lovely service at Trinity Presbyterian on Osos Ave. Brian Kay spoke about 2 Peter 1:4-9 in which we are admonished to step outside of our apathy. I've been feeling apathetic lately and confused about my faith. The Bible is split into two halves. One is of law and one is of promises.

Christ fulfills the promises expressed in the gospel. When we search the scriptures for the promises of God, we begin to understand his character and draw closer to him. Imagine a life lived with hope in the promises of God! When we rely on who God says he is then we begin to be transformed into his image and discover how his truth can transform us. I love this. I love the fact that God is who he says he is and does what he says he will do. I love how our faith can depend on the character of God and not upon our faithfulness. It's so easy to look to the law as a guide so spiritual life, but in it's pursuit we will always fall short. Again and again. We must trust in His promise of salvation.

If I were

I've rediscovered a number of old poems and decided they need publishing...so here it goes, one per day. :) This one is on the cheery side of things!



If I were a flower
I'd welcome the day
with unfurling petals
and leaves on their way

If I were a city
I'd welcome the day
with sirens and street lights
and what a pedestrian might say

If I were myself
I'd welcome the day
with singing and dancing
and laugher far away

Welcome Day!