I’m sleepless in san luis. My heart and head seem to say: God’s grace is not enough, you must do more to earn this gift. Prove that you deserve it. That you appreciate it. The truth is that I want to be appreciated. I feel so forlorn. To pull myself outside of circumstance and see the truth of His love for me is too difficult. It is too painful. I am completely afraid of being injured again. Of giving God my heart and finding that He doesn’t want it. Jesus, why is this true? Why do I doubt you to the point of doubting each and every aspect of this life? Why is my pursuit of the truth so relentless? When will I be able to let go of the little things and be loved>:?
I want this so much. Not merely for myself, but for each and every person in this life, this world. The fear of the unknown immobilizes me. It seems that satan has convinced me that people can someone solve the problems of this world. Yet this is entirely untrue.
Only God can meet the needs of such a broken people, thirsty for the water they won’t drink. He asks us to pray for faithfulness and not success. Oh Lord, forgive my so easily wayward heart.
It has long been in search of it’s own glory and way and has not sought to be pursued but to pursue. Peace comes in knowing that nothing I ever do will make me deserving of the intensity of your love. It is a gift.
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